I fled Him down the arches of the years
I fled Him down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind, and in the midst of tears
I hid from him, and under running laughter.”
― Francis G. Thompson, The Hound of Heaven
I had a little work related stress,
And my apartment was a mess.
My partner left town,
And my Internet was down.
I had a little anxiety
But no one could really help me, as you will see.
I'll spare you the details of what I went through,
I just hope it never happens to you.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure they all meant well,
But my life became a living hell.
Despite all my troubles, I want you to know
There is a very happy ending though.
But first I had to humble my pride
And give up all the anger that was inside.
Let's begin at the start,
When I used to think I was really smart.
So here goes --
"Sir, I've got a little work related stress,
And my apartment is a mess.
My partner left town,
and I'm feeling a little down"
"Let's try this and see if it works for you.
Just to take the edge off and relax you too."
I'm not trying to complain.
At least he gave what I had a name.
But why was I still in pain?
I wondered: Am I just a chemical imbalance?
Don't I have a soul and heart and talents?
Am I just a body to process, prod and measure,
For profit or to be used for other's pleasure?
I read where Freud and Adler would ponder and analyze,
And ask about people's family ties.
But I guess things have changed over the years.
When I told him of my hopes and dreams,
and unused talents.
He talked of genes
and brain chemical imbalance.
"Let's try this and see if it works for you,
To take off the edge and relax you too."
I went to the chaplain and she was nice.
She prayed with me, stayed with me and called me twice.
But why did everyone just want to comfort me?
Why couldn't they help me overcome, move on and and just be free?
Everyone had appeared so helpful and kind,
But no one could help me leave my issues behind.
I heard talk that religion could set me free,
So I decided to see if it would work for me.
I joined a church and went twice a week.
Hoping to find the answers I seek.
I studied, sang and prayed,
But I became more uneasy the longer I stayed.
After the initial excitement wore off,
When I was home all by myself,
I had to admit what I could tell no one else:
Something was missing. It is hard to describe.
I still felt somehow empty inside.
Don't get me wrong.
It's nice to sing a song,
And memorize a Scripture or two.
But if its effects wear off when it's no longer new,
It's something I would rather not do.
I found another group that was into friendship and hugs.
They had drums and a guitar (but of course no drugs).
There was clapping and singing, and everyone swaying,
Positive thinking and lots of praying.
I don't want to be rude
But I had to conclude:
They were trying their best,
But like my dad, they failed the test.
Decent and friendly and very nice guys,
But I saw the emptiness under their disguise.
And no matter how hard people tried,
They couldn't fill the emptiness inside.
I wanted the answer that sets me free
To move forward and be a new me.
I began to grow weary of palliative prayer.
There just wasn't anything of substance there.
So I threw in the towel,
It was all beginning to sour.
I tried going back to my weed and speed.
But now I could see that it just wasn't for me.
I went back to the university.
It was a relief to talk about sustainibilty and diversity,
Instead of sin and eternity.
The rebellion and free lifestyle were inviting.
The football and parties were exciting.
But soon I saw the parties at the frat and sorority
Were a juvenile rebellion against authority.
The endless studying and exams kept me occupied,
And instructors kept me so busy I could continue to hide
from the pain and emptiness I felt inside.
I found an Eastern philosophy
Which I heard about on TV.
It talked about enlightenment and tranquility.
Something about it just didn't feel right.
It was close to what I wanted, but not quite.
I began to resent them all for not being there for me --
First my dad then every other authority.
I resented them for their shallow concern for me,
For advice given condescendingly,
And their endless attempts to motivate me.
I could not let go of judgment and resentment
Toward those who robbed me of my contentment.
I was full of contempt for their weakness,
And anger over their pretense.
And I resented myself too.
I was so full of resentment, I had to judge myself too.
I resented everyone for not having love for me.
I was filled with anger and blame, it was plain to see.
But at least I was on the verge of seeing what was wrong with me.
Each day at the park I watched the little kids play.
Full of happiness and joy and never a bad day.
I pondered the difference between them and me.
And slowly I began to see.
What I was like when I was small I had forgot.
I had to admit as I looked on quietly:
"There's one big difference between them and me,
I am resentful and they are not."
Thinking back to earlier years,
I began to see what started my fall into unhappiness and tears.
I resented my mom and my dad, you see.
I especially resented my dad for not being there for me.
I hated my life too and everything about myself,
And then it spread over the years to everyone else.
I resented my peers, my partner, my kids and my luck too.
My job, my boss, and My God! Even You.
Resentment became a way of saving face,
Of not living life with grace.
The loser's way of avoiding strife.
Resentful and angry at everything, it seemed harmless at the time.
A way to judge underneath, but pretend everything is fine.
It gave me a secret ego satisfaction -
A loser's way of getting even.
It was a secret reaction.
On the surface I wore a pasty grin,
but underneath, my patience was growing thin.
Now I saw why I had felt anxious and uneasy so long,
Full of judgment and self pity, I was basically wrong.
Now I was saddened about what I had discovered,
About the hate and hostility I had uncovered.
I could not change myself, though regretting what I see.
So I was in a quandary.
Wanting to change but not knowing how,
My dilemma was finally solved, and I'll show you how.
When something about yourself you see,
That you would rather not be.
But you've found that struggle and trying just make things worse,
The solution is so simple. It is found in the following verse.
Just regret what you see about yourself.
Don't try to charge with any effort.
Quietly bear the brief pain. Just do that and nothing else.
It is God's light, we call conscience, that is making you see.
God is present, and your sadness is because of His Light in which you see.
When you know the sadness is in God's light,
It will be for you a comfort sublime.
The change you want will happen in God's due time.
I walked around and was sad about what I discovered.
My conscience and sweetness I had recovered.
So I just bore the pain without trying to change.
Soon I began to shed a tear
Over what I saw about myself.
I was sad, then glad, then relieved I must confess
To just come clean and let God clear up my mess.
I experienced something profound,
Repentance I had found.
Not of myself but of He.
God's light was repenting me.
It was like a purging and catharsis of my wrong
He did what I couldn't do myself,
Because He is kind and gentle and strong.
First the pain, then the sadness,
Then the soul bursts into song,
Because I know the quiet joy that
He has forgiven me of my wrong.
After I was purged I was free to see
One by one, what was wrong with me.
Each time the same process:
First pain, then sadness, then relief.
After being sorry, I found peace beyond belief.
Every day a little pain to bear,
Regret, forgiveness and then joy without compare.
Each day the pain is less but the wrong more subtle,
Seeing all the wrong inside bursts the ego's bubble.
One day there will be no more wrong to see,
Just peace of mind and a life of discovery.
Repentance is for God to initiate.
And any expert who tries to imitate,
Will the soul’s repentance negate.
Repentance is God's plan for recovery.
The lesson is clear
You can't repent yourself.
Just be willing to be humbled and shed a tear
And wait for God to draw near.
When you are not right inside
Pious words and gestures only support pride.
You become a model of hypocrisy
Because others see your inconsistency.
In our pride and with our ego's short sight.
We think we have to make something happen
With effort and with might.
That is how our ego blocks God's redeeming light.
Our biggest error is resenting His light
Or suppressing what is wrong to keep it out of sight,
When you should expose it to the light.
Instead, just regret your wrong
Without trying to make yourself right,
Wait for repentance and change in the Light.
And here is something else profound,
When resentment is gone, love is there to be found.
God's love warms the soul and takes away the need.
Now you can forgive others for their misdeeds.
You always craved something from them and resented when they didn't have it.
Now you know why they didn't have love, because they hadn't found it.
You see they were victims too
That's why they didn't have love for you.
So now I could make it all unimportant
And move on with living.
I had found the answer and it is this:
To be more forgiving.
And when you forgive others by dropping resentment,
God forgives you, and you find peace and contentment.
